To date, the words “dance” and “dancing” are the most significant and life-changing metaphor I have created. It explains the automatic and repeated attraction patterns occurring between codependent and narcissistic romantic partners. This simplistic but profound metaphor, eventually inspired the creation of a 6-hour professional training, which would be the backbone for the first edition of “The Human Magnet Syndrome.” Although I cannot recall exactly when I used these words effectively with one of my codependent clients, I do remember the consistent “aha moments” or epiphanies they created. I am quite certain that the creation of “the dance” metaphor coincided with my intense preoccupation on my pattern of falling in love with, and sometimes marrying, women who seemed narcissistic to me.
The narcissist dancer is the yin to the codependent’s yang. Codependents are naturally drawn to pathological narcissists because they feel comfortable and familiar with a person who knows how to direct, control and lead. When a codependent and narcissist come together in their relationship, their dance unfolds flawlessly: The narcissistic partner maintains the lead and the codependent follows. No one gets their toes stepped on. People who are codependent tend to dance so well with narcissists because their pathological personalities or “dance styles” complement each other. Roles seem natural because they have been practicing them their whole lives; the codependent reflexively gives up their power and since the narcissist thrives on control and power, the dance is perfectly coordinated. Dance partners with oppositely matched dysfunctional personalities often participate in a dramatic, roller coaster-like pathological relationship that continues despite one side’s unhappiness or desire for the dance to stop. Narcissists habitually choose codependent dance partners because they can maintain the center focus, lead the direction of the dance and ultimately determine where, when and how the dance will proceed. As natural followers of their relationship dance, codependents are passive and accommodating dance partners. Codependents find narcissistic dance partners deeply appealing. When codependents and narcissists are paired up, the dancing experience sizzles with excitement—at least, in the beginning. After many “songs,” the enthralling and thrilling dance experience predictably transforms into drama, conflict and feelings of neglect and being trapped. The “codependency dance” requires two people: the pleaser/fixer and the taker/controller. A codependent and a narcissist. Codependents yearn to be loved, but because of their choice of dance partner, find their dreams unrealized. With the heartbreak of unfulfilled dreams, codependents silently and bitterly swallow their unhappiness. Narcissist dancers are able to maintain the direction of the dance because they always find partners who lack self-worth, confidence and who have low self-esteem—codependents. With such a well-matched companion, they can control both the dancer and the dance. All codependent dancers desire harmony and balance, they consistently sabotage themselves by choosing a partner who they are initially attracted to, but will ultimately resent.
Written by Ross Rosenberg, M.Ed., LCPC, CADC Self-Love Recovery Institute — President/CEO Psychotherapist, Educator, Author, Expert Witness “You cannot expect to set boundaries effectively and have them stick if you don’t believe that you are perfectly ok by yourself.” – Ross Rosenberg Setting boundaries is an important...
Written by Ross Rosenberg, M.Ed., LCPC, CADC Self-Love Recovery Institute — President/CEO Psychotherapist, Educator, Author, Expert Witness Codependents cannot shake the unrealistic belief that happiness will only come if they are in a relationship. They look to other people to make them feel happy and...
Written by Ross Rosenberg, M.Ed., LCPC, CADC Self-Love Recovery Institute — President/CEO Psychotherapist, Educator, Author, Expert Witness As much as we would like to, we cannot avoid certain indisputable immutable facts of life: We will have to pay taxes, we will get older, we will...
