First, I present you the actual unedited review. Then, my response.
“It would be an excellent book if it were not for the authors accusatory terminology and then his justification of the same. I read this book because I am currently in divorce proceedings from my -4 co-dependent and, as I once believed she was my soul mate, wanted to understand her in order to harbor no ill feelings regarding the termination of our marriage.. So okay, I am on the plus side of the authors scale. The label the uses for anyone on the plus side is “emotional abuser.” While co-dependent is widely used (although not a psychiatric diagnosis, ) to the best of my knowledge this author is the only one who uses the terminology “emotional abuser” to describe anyone on the positive side of his scale. He then uses the 3 most negatively connotative psychiatric personality disorders (borderline, narcissistic, antisocial) to further his cause.
He then goes on to write that if your insulted by being called an emotionally abusive borderline pain in the ass jerk narcissist with antisocial (possibly criminal) tendencies it is because you are impossible to fix and don’t want to look at how totally screwed up you really are and this just proves his theory. Who is the emotional abuser now?
Okay, so in fairness, let’s see how many books he can sell if he changes the name of those clustered on the negative side of his scale. How about instead of “co-dependent” he calls them….I don’t know…how about…I got it….”doormat martyrs” and parallels their condition with the dependent, histrionic, and avoidant personality disorders. I am sure that if they take offence at this it is just a defense mechanism they are using to deny their condition.”
Many reviews like yours help me explain my work even further. So I thank you for yours.
There is a long story about the term “Emotional Manipulator” and “Emotional Manipulation,” but it will suffice to say that I never wanted that term to be used for narcissists/narcissism. The publisher did research and determined that term was “sexy” and would draw people to my seminars. To get the gig, I reluctantly agreed to swap my term “Pathological Narcissism (ASPD, BPD, NPD and active addicts) with “Emotional Manipulator.” I did my best, however, to delineate in The Human Magnet Sydrome book, that “Emotional Manipulators” specifically meant what I now consider “Pathogical Narcissism.”
In addition to not liking the simple use of “Emotional Manipulators,” all of my work before my HMS book and what followed it, clarified that codependents and narcissists can be both emotionally manipulative or an “emotional manipulator,” when understood according to the denotative sense of the term. I even created the term subcategories to account for manipulative codependents (Active Codependency), to illustrate how this subgroup can be manipulative. More about this category can be found in my YouTube video, “Codependents Can Be Manipulative. Understanding Active and Passive Codependency.
You will find that I have not used the “emotional manipulator term for over 4 years.” I also dumped the term “codependent” as it was less descriptive the real problem/person than I desired and had unnecessary stigmatizing and pejorative impact on the “codependent.” The book’s 2nd edition which is available in French and Spanish has all of these changes. The English version won’t be available until 4/18 due to the contract i signed with the publisher.
As much as I want to sell books, I have not sold out out used terms that do match my personal and clinical experience (psychotherapist for 30 years). As much as I am into marketing myself and my products, I will not create content that isn’t accurate, research based, or helpful to both the clientele I am writing about or the practitioners who are helping them. Simply, my book and my other material are not created for Pathological Narcissists. I am writing for the victims of narcissistic abuse. I don’t even try to be open and fair to this population. I just try to be accurate about the problem of Self-Love Deficit Disorder (formerly “codependency” and narcissistic abuse.
To your paragraph: “He then goes on to write that if your insulted…” Clinical research hundreds of books written on NPD, ASPD, BPD, confirm that these Pathological Narcissists are resistive to seeking help because they deny having the problems others accuse them of having. Moreover, their psychological makeup is extremely fragile; so much so, the mere suggestion that they are responsible for harm they perpetrated, triggers (activates) a narcissistic injury, which manifests in some form of aversive or punishing response. Most reactions like these are projections, which are the placement of one’s unconscious or disassociated core shame onto the person who challenges, corrects them or tries to hold them accountable. So, I am not sure why you consider me an “emotional abuser” by stating clinical facts that are irrefutable?
Lastly, since you identified your partner as having a (-4) Continuum of Self Value, and I assume you are correct, then you would be a (+4) narcissist. If this is the case, then, according to my Human Magnet/Continuum of Self Theories), you have some insight into your narcissism. Such is evidenced by your 3 star review and a fairly balanced review of my book. Considering you read my book and subcribe to the Human Magnet Syndrome nad Continuum of Self Theory, then you must me a (+4). If this is the case, then you clearly have some insight into your problems and could benefit from psychotherapy.
As I say repeatedly in The Human Magnet Syndrome, “it takes two to dance;” both parties share responsibility in their dysfunctional relationship. Therefore, I hope you seek psychotherapy so that you too can experience increased levels of self-love and mental health.
Thank you again for review.
Creator of “The Codependency Cure: Recovering from Self-Love Deficit Disorder” seminar (and upcoming book)