For my new Human Magnet Syndrome website, I am putting together graphics. Here is one for the reviews.
Ross Rosenberg, M.Ed., LCPC, CADC, CSAT
A narcissistic injury occurs when narcissists react negatively to perceived or real criticism or judgment, boundaries placed on them, and/or attempts to hold them accountable for harmful behavior. It also occurs when a person does not accommodate a narcissist’s insatiable need for admiration, special privileges, praise, etc. The “injury” also shows up when the narcissist over over-amplifies and personalizes benign interpersonal interactions, or when a person with no mal-intentions does not meet the narcissist’s impossible to achieve desires for high levels of praise and admiration.
The “injury” is often followed by the narcissist’s loss of control over his or her emotional equanimity, and a subsequent burst of passive or overtly aggressive vindictive responses. These bouts of emotional tumult are referred to as emotional dysregulation, as the activated narcissist emotional reaction spikes and often is beyond his or her control.
In my book, The Human Magnet Syndrome: Why We Love People Who Hurt Us, I explain how the loss of emotional control and the reflexive need to punish an “offending” person can be traced back to the narcissist’s core shame and pervasive levels of pathological loneliness, about which the narcissist is often either in denial or oblivious (disassociated from). The hair-trigger “injury” reaction is a direct result of attachment trauma the narcissist suffered as a child, often because of an abusive, neglectful, or depriving narcissistic parent. As much as I make a case for the distressing nature of attachment trauma the child who will become an adult codependent experiences, the agonizing experience for the child who is to become a Pathological Narcissist is far worse- there is no comparison.
In The Human Magnet Syndrome’s chapter, The Origins of Pathological Narcissism, I explain that the massive abuse, neglect, and/or deprivation perpetrated by both the Pathological Narcissist and, to a significantly lesser degree, the codependent parent, results in psychological trauma of the highest degree. To emotionally survive this anguish, the child’s mind reacts in a manner similar to adult victims of Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD). When a traumatic event is beyond the brain’s ability to process, sort through, and integrate as an experience of severe trauma, it is relegated to what many people refer to as our unconscious mind.
The human brain has a circuit breaker-like response to trauma. In other words, a natural safety mechanism that is activated when any given traumatic event(s) exceeds the brain’s capacity, or is overloaded. The “circuit is tripped” and the traumatic experience is relegated to a part of the brain that deeply buries these memories. In other words, the trauma is neatly packaged in what I refer to as a “hermetically sealed memory container,” which is physically located in the brain’s limbic system, specifically the amygdala. Once buried, the trauma memory is disconnected from a person’s conscious abilities to recall the event and/or experience the emotions surrounding it.
Considering the manner in which a narcissist-to-be child processes attachment trauma, this author believes all Pathological Narcissists, or those with Narcissistic, Borderline, and Antisocial Personality Disorders, also have Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. Therefore, underneath the narcissist’s psychological “surface,” lies a deeper reservoir of self-loathing and core shame. Although the attachment trauma is blocked from the narcissist’s conscious recollection, they show their “ugly face” during narcissistic injuries.
More often than not, defense mechanisms successfully protect pathological narcissists from realizing the truth about their highly traumatized, shame-based, and psychologically impaired selves. This form of protective amnesia wards off personal meltdowns (emotional dysregulation) by the psychological processes known as defense mechanisms. Such mechanisms include: Conversion, denial, displacement, fantasy, intellectualization, projection, rationalization, reaction formation, regression, repression, sublimation, and suppression.
Since the human brain was designed through the imperfect process of evolution, and not by computer programmers, neurologists, or mechanical engineers, the brain’s natural defense mechanisms by themselves are not insufficient in keeping stowed away trauma memories from “bubbling up” into the narcissist’s conscious mind. Despite the brain’s best efforts to keep the trauma cordoned off from consciousness, the “seals are broken,” and there is “leakage.”
The activation or re-surfacing of the trauma manifests as feelings of danger, insecurity, and extreme discomfort, which then trigger a cascade of angry second-level emotional responses, such as hatred, resentment, and/or disgust for the “perpetrating” individual. The resulting emotional dysregulation, at most, is just a temporary solution to the narcissist’s misperceived threat. Although the hair-trigger reaction emboldens and protects the narcissist, it is only temporary. Like a loosely fitted bandage, it will eventually fall off – exposing the underlying wound (core shame). This is when defense mechanisms kick back into action, and once again divert the narcissists away from their core shame, and toward their grandiose and entitled dissociated selves.
Narcissistic injuries are almost always projections, which is the misplacement of the narcissist’s unconscious self-hatred onto any person who they experience as threatening. Feeling “bad,” “broken,” and/or “never good enough,” like they did as a child, is simply not an option for the Personality Disordered narcissist. In actuality, projections are dissociated feelings of self-hatred and self-loathing, that are attributed a person who threatens the narcissist’s veneer-thin self-esteem. In other words, projection diverts the realization of self-hatred and core shame by transferring self-judgment and condemnation onto the activating or ‘injuring” person. Because projections intertwine with narcissistic injuries, it is only academic to separate them.
Narcissistic injuries are quite varied. They range from active aggression, like a disapproving glance or kick in the shin, to passive aggression, which includes the silent treatment or triangulation of others against the “injuring” person. A narcissistic injury may even occur when the recipient of the abuse does absolutely nothing. It is the perception of a threat that causes the internal emotional meltdown, not the real thing!
Whether it is yelling, threatening, or even highly dangerous aggressive actions, narcissistic injuries are unnerving to many, and downright frightening to most. They provoke an internal fury that incites punishing pronouncements, judgments, and actions against the perceived perpetrator. The only real cure for them is to find an exit route to the interaction, and potentially out of the relationship. Unfortunately, people who suffer from codependency, or what I now refer to as Self-Love Deficit Disorder™, find themselves powerless to Pathological Narcissists. The reason for their attraction to narcissists and their inability to extricate themselves from harmful relationships with them is explained in full in my book, The Human Magnet Syndrome: Why We Love People Who Hurt Us. Sadly those will Self-Love Deficit Disorder mistake the abuse for love, and explain away their harm (trauma) by using some of the same defense mechanisms as mentioned above.
And remember this: few narcissists learn from the consequences of their out-of-control narcissistic injuries. Any act of contrition or remorse is just a guise to hide their fear of being abandoned by the very person to whom they are causing so much suffering. It is a psychological fact: few narcissists learn from the outcomes of their abuse. And when conftonted about it, they do not experience empathy, as they feel justified in their actions
©Ross Rosenberg, 2017
Creator of “The Codependency Cure: Recovering from Self-Love Deficit Disorder” seminar (and upcoming book)
First, I present you the actual unedited review. Then, my response.
“It would be an excellent book if it were not for the authors accusatory terminology and then his justification of the same. I read this book because I am currently in divorce proceedings from my -4 co-dependent and, as I once believed she was my soul mate, wanted to understand her in order to harbor no ill feelings regarding the termination of our marriage.. So okay, I am on the plus side of the authors scale. The label the uses for anyone on the plus side is “emotional abuser.” While co-dependent is widely used (although not a psychiatric diagnosis, ) to the best of my knowledge this author is the only one who uses the terminology “emotional abuser” to describe anyone on the positive side of his scale. He then uses the 3 most negatively connotative psychiatric personality disorders (borderline, narcissistic, antisocial) to further his cause.
He then goes on to write that if your insulted by being called an emotionally abusive borderline pain in the ass jerk narcissist with antisocial (possibly criminal) tendencies it is because you are impossible to fix and don’t want to look at how totally screwed up you really are and this just proves his theory. Who is the emotional abuser now?
Okay, so in fairness, let’s see how many books he can sell if he changes the name of those clustered on the negative side of his scale. How about instead of “co-dependent” he calls them….I don’t know…how about…I got it….”doormat martyrs” and parallels their condition with the dependent, histrionic, and avoidant personality disorders. I am sure that if they take offence at this it is just a defense mechanism they are using to deny their condition.”
Many reviews like yours help me explain my work even further. So I thank you for yours.
There is a long story about the term “Emotional Manipulator” and “Emotional Manipulation,” but it will suffice to say that I never wanted that term to be used for narcissists/narcissism. The publisher did research and determined that term was “sexy” and would draw people to my seminars. To get the gig, I reluctantly agreed to swap my term “Pathological Narcissism (ASPD, BPD, NPD and active addicts) with “Emotional Manipulator.” I did my best, however, to delineate in The Human Magnet Sydrome book, that “Emotional Manipulators” specifically meant what I now consider “Pathogical Narcissism.”
In addition to not liking the simple use of “Emotional Manipulators,” all of my work before my HMS book and what followed it, clarified that codependents and narcissists can be both emotionally manipulative or an “emotional manipulator,” when understood according to the denotative sense of the term. I even created the term subcategories to account for manipulative codependents (Active Codependency), to illustrate how this subgroup can be manipulative. More about this category can be found in my YouTube video, “Codependents Can Be Manipulative. Understanding Active and Passive Codependency.
You will find that I have not used the “emotional manipulator term for over 4 years.” I also dumped the term “codependent” as it was less descriptive the real problem/person than I desired and had unnecessary stigmatizing and pejorative impact on the “codependent.” The book’s 2nd edition which is available in French and Spanish has all of these changes. The English version won’t be available until 4/18 due to the contract i signed with the publisher.
As much as I want to sell books, I have not sold out out used terms that do match my personal and clinical experience (psychotherapist for 30 years). As much as I am into marketing myself and my products, I will not create content that isn’t accurate, research based, or helpful to both the clientele I am writing about or the practitioners who are helping them. Simply, my book and my other material are not created for Pathological Narcissists. I am writing for the victims of narcissistic abuse. I don’t even try to be open and fair to this population. I just try to be accurate about the problem of Self-Love Deficit Disorder (formerly “codependency” and narcissistic abuse.
To your paragraph: “He then goes on to write that if your insulted…” Clinical research hundreds of books written on NPD, ASPD, BPD, confirm that these Pathological Narcissists are resistive to seeking help because they deny having the problems others accuse them of having. Moreover, their psychological makeup is extremely fragile; so much so, the mere suggestion that they are responsible for harm they perpetrated, triggers (activates) a narcissistic injury, which manifests in some form of aversive or punishing response. Most reactions like these are projections, which are the placement of one’s unconscious or disassociated core shame onto the person who challenges, corrects them or tries to hold them accountable. So, I am not sure why you consider me an “emotional abuser” by stating clinical facts that are irrefutable?
Lastly, since you identified your partner as having a (-4) Continuum of Self Value, and I assume you are correct, then you would be a (+4) narcissist. If this is the case, then, according to my Human Magnet/Continuum of Self Theories), you have some insight into your narcissism. Such is evidenced by your 3 star review and a fairly balanced review of my book. Considering you read my book and subcribe to the Human Magnet Syndrome nad Continuum of Self Theory, then you must me a (+4). If this is the case, then you clearly have some insight into your problems and could benefit from psychotherapy.
As I say repeatedly in The Human Magnet Syndrome, “it takes two to dance;” both parties share responsibility in their dysfunctional relationship. Therefore, I hope you seek psychotherapy so that you too can experience increased levels of self-love and mental health.
Thank you again for review.
This video introduces The It’s Not About Me, It’s About You Technique. It is a creative solution in managing one’s insecure and self-love deficit driven thoughts and self-analysis. Unfortunately, too many people assume what ever angers, disappoints, or annoys another person is their fault. Codependents, or those with Self-Love Deficit Disorder, especially beat themselves up with a constant barrage of self-defeating, self-degrading and self-criticizing thoughts. This video explains and demonstrates the power of assuming most of a person does to annoy or upset a narcissists is really not their fault; it is the narcissists!
This technique will be featured at Self-Love Recovery Institute’s intensive retreats, which begin in mid May of 2017.
For more informationabout Self-Love Recovery Institute’s Retreat Series, click here: http://www.selfloverecovery.com/retreat-info.php
Creator of “The Codependency Cure: Recovering from Self-Love Deficit Disorder” seminar (and upcoming book)
ABOUT ROSS ROSENBERG, M.Ed., LCPC, CADC, CSAT
Ross Rosenberg has been a psychotherapist since 1988. He is a distinguished international speaker, writer, trainer, consultant, and expert in the addiction/sex addiction codependency, narcissism, and trauma fields. He owns Clinical Care Consultants, a multi-location Chicago suburb counseling center, and Self-Love Recovery Institute, formerly Advanced Clinical Trainers.
Ross wrote the highly acclaimed and best-selling book “The Human Magnet Syndrome: Why We Love People Who Hurt Us,” which draws on his own codependency recovery and 29 years of experience in the mental health, social service, and child welfare fields.
Ross is an internationally renowned psychotherapist, speaker, and trainer, who has presented in 27 states and twice in Europe. Because of his YouTube channel, his work has gone globally viral. Of the more than 5.5 million total views, 4 million have been in the last two years. His current subscriber base is at 52,000 and is growing at 23K a year.
THE HUMAN MAGNET SYNDROME: WHY WE LOVE PEOPLE WHO HURT US
Ross’s “The Human Magnet Syndrome” is a game changer; it addresses a topic that affects everyone. Not only has it been published in English, French, and Spanish, it has sold over 40,000 copies. It reached number 1 and 2 in several Amazon best-selling categories and has remained in more than five best-selling categories since it was published in April of 2013.
Men and women always have been drawn into romantic relationships instinctively, not so much by what they see, feel, or think, but more by an invisible and irresistible force. Ross Rosenberg, a seasoned psychotherapist, international seminar leader, YouTube favorite, and recovering codependent, named this compelling and seductive love force – The Human Magnet Syndrome.
The Human Magnet Syndrome is about common, everyday relationships that many of us have experienced but wish we hadn’t. It explains why patient, giving, and selfless individuals (codependents) are predictably attracted to selfish, self-centered, and self-serving partners (pathological narcissists). “Chemistry,” or the intuitive knowingness of perfect compatibility, is synonymous with the Human Magnet Syndrome. This is the attraction force that brings compatibly opposite, but exquisitely matched, lovers together: codependents and pathological narcissists. This magnetic love connection predictably begins like a fairy-tale, but quickly morphs into a painful “seesaw” of love, hate, hope, and disappointment. At the end of the day, the codependent’s dreams of a soul mate invariably dissolve into a “cellmate” reality.
“I recommend “The Human Magnet Syndrome” to those who work in social services, education, chemical dependency, or the counseling fields and to the people they touch. It’s time to wake up and this brilliant book sounds the alarm we need.” – Melody Beattie
“Born in the cauldron of personal experience of suffering and healing, and honed through years of professional experience, this book will help anyone understand the attractors of love and consequent suffering. I recommend it to couples who are mystified by the depth and repetition of their pain, and to therapists whose destiny is to help them.” – Harville Hendrix
Ross’ work has been highlighted on various TV networks including ABC, Fox News and WGN News and he participated in a recent ABC/Hulu documentary about Internet dating. His work has appeared regularly in the Chicago Tribune & Publisher Weekly and he is a regular contributor for The Huffington Post, PsychCenteral.com, and TheGoodMenProject.com.
CODEPENDENCY CURE™ / SELF-LOVE DEFICIT DISORDER™ RECOVERY
“The Codependency Cure”™ is Rosenberg’s Human Magnet Syndrome work follow-up. Similar to his first book, he has created innovative theories, explanations, clinical models, and techniques of the problem that is responsible for the “Human Magnet Syndrome.”
“Self-Love Deficit Disorder (SLDD)”™ is the much-needed reformulation of the term “codependency.” It strips the antiquated and often misused word of its shaming connotations while providing a realistic description of the problem. As most people with SLDD will tell you, they would never be in harmful relationships with pathological narcissists if they had a stable sense of self-love.
The Observe Don’t Absorb Technique has captured the world by storm, as it (the video) has provided nearly 500K YouTube viewers a powerfully effective tool against narcissistic abuse.
Ross is an accomplished and expert trainer, seminar leader, and keynote presenter, renowned for his unique, break-through topics and charismatic training style. His work is equally appreciated by professionals and laymen. The training that inspired his book was presented in 27 states, 60 cities, and became a best-selling DVD training product. Ross created the company Self-Love Recovery Institute (formerly Advanced Clinical Trainers) as a platform for his training work where all his seminars are now available for purchase online.
ILLUSTRATING THE CODEPENDENCY CURE
Rosenberg’s SLDD and SLA pyramids represent the problem and the solution for “The Codependency Cure.” The SLDD pyramid represents the linear development of SLDD while demonstrating it as a symptom of much deeper and more fundamental problems. The Self-Love Abundance (SLA) Pyramid is the graphical representation of the “Codependency Cure.” The Self-Love Abundancy Pyramid is a mirror image (opposite) of the SLDD pyramid.
10 STAGES SELF-LOVE RECOVERY MODEL
The 10 Stage Self-Love Recovery Model represents the latest thinking and theoretical formulation on codependency, attachment, and addiction treatment. It is the backbone for “The Codependency Cure” and “Self-Love Deficit Disorder” material. Each stage represents a linear and sequential element of a treatment process (method) that permanently eradicates SLDD (codependency) while opening a healing and restorative pathway to “Self-Love Abundance,” otherwise known as Self-Love Recovery.
CERTIFICATION PROGRAM FOR THERAPISTS
The only way for Ross to resolve the conundrum of getting hundreds of requests a month for his psychotherapy services or for a referral to someone with his professional abilities, was to create “The Self-Love Recovery Certification (CSLR) Program.” His ambition is to create a world-wide CSLR practitioner network.
INTERNET, WEBSITE, EMAIL and SOCIAL NETWORKING REACH
The Codependency Cure and Self-Love Deficit Disorder concepts have captured the interest of thousands on his social networking platforms. Combining YouTube, Facebook, LinkedIn, Twitter, and Instagram, Ross has accumulated over 75,000 connections. Ross has an email list of 11,000. He currently hosts 4 active websites: Clinical Care Consultants, Self-Love Recovery Institute, Human Magnet Syndrome in English and in Spanish. The English Human Magnet Syndrome website gets approximately 19,000 visits a month.
GLOBAL YOUTUBE CREATOR
Over the last four years, Ross’s 95 instructional and inspirational YouTube videos have been viewed over 5.5 million times. Not only has he accumulated over 52,000 subscribers, but 38% of them are from a foreign country (His HMS website has similar statistics). His top ten videos have been viewed 2.5 million times. His most viewed video has been viewed 480,000 times. It is not the amount of views or subscribers that define Ross’s global YouTube success, but the way he has helped millions of people to overcome the pain and suffering of narcissistic abuse and Self-Love Deficit Disorder.
His counseling center: http://goo.gl/uuWrwJ
Human Magnet Syndrome Book Site: http://www.HumanMagnetSyndrome.com
His training/education company: http://selfloverecovery.com
His articles: http://goo.gl/bTesnk
YouTube Channel: https://www.youtube.com/user/clinicalcareco¬¬nsult
Blogs: http://humanmagnetsyndrome.com/hmsblog/blog-posts/ and http://blog.clinicalcareconsultants.com/
Ross Rosenberg, (847) 749-0514 ext. 120 or at Rossr61@comcast.net.
Available nationally and internationally by arrangement and via telephone.
On our healing journey, sometimes we hit potholes in the road. Such surprises may cause us to temporarily lose control of our “vehicle.” In an adrenaline filled moment of terror, we contemplate the end. Because of our newfound healing instinct, we tightly grab hold of the “wheel” and muscle our car back on to the road. This is when we steer our fate back to self-love
Worry not; you are moving in the right direction! Hold tight onto your courage, as the road to self-love abundance is fraught with risk. When you do arrive, and you will, you will realize that no destination as sweet as this can ever be achieved on a road free of obstacles and dangers. Therefore, self-love is not only the antidote to your driving dilemma, it’s also the destination you have always deserved.
Creator of “The Codependency Cure: Recovering from Self-Love Deficit Disorder” seminar (and upcoming book)
Codependency Anorexia is a logical solution for people with Self-Love Deficit Disorder™ (SLDD) who are hopelessly addicted to dangerously attractive narcissists. As a last-ditch protective strategy, the desperate codependent (SLD™) shuts down their innate and natural impulse to fall in love, thereby rendering them safe, but disassociated relational robots. Although intimacy starvation provides a sense of power and control over real and invisible threats, it adds another of many layers of shame & loneliness to their SLDD.
It is paradoxical in a sense, as it occurs during a moment of clarity when the only obvious choice is to freeze one’s natural “love impulse,” which has, up until this time, consistently blown up in their face. If the codependency anorexic barrier is challenged, an alarm of extreme anxiety is sounded, which does not stop until the threat has been neutralized. At the end of the day, the codependent anorexic is safe from harm, but the cost is extraordinarily high! Safety, without the experience of self-love and the healthy love of others, is no different from being jailed for a crime that was never committed.
Based on the Ross Rosenberg article featured here
I wrote this twenty years ago, when I had hit what I thought was the bottom of my life. The poem helped me put into words the trauma i had endured while in a relationship with a very abusive woman. It served as a catalyst to understand and eventually heal the highly traumatic abuse I had endured.
Although the trauma of the relationship seemed to have ended, the impact of it was embedded in my psyche. Writing the poem helped release some of this toxic energy welling up inside of me. Writing it also helped me create a clear boundary from where I was and where I needed to go.
When The End Greets the Beginning
The Fist clenched, balled tight
Waving high in the sky
Like a tattered flag of war
Firmly declaring the message of hard fought freedom
The Arm stretched higher than its length
Wanting to go even higher
But held back by its physical limitations
Desiring to support the rage of its neighbor hand
The Body tense with anxious exhilaration
Energized by the wave of spontaneous emotion
Reacting – wanting to release
Neither knowing nor understanding the electric energy
The Mind, racing with scenes of the past
Remembering the torrent of pain
Memories frozen in time – razor sharp
Unable to understand, but finally able to feel
The Heart embattled and tired
Once protected by walls made of carefully controlled rage
Cracking, crumbling, disintegrating under their own volition
Heralding the light to pass through
The Soul, confused and bewildered
Like the newborn’s terror at birth
Interpreting the beginning as the end of safety
But all the while willing to open his eyes and greet what lies ahead
Gaslighting is a brainwashing strategy perpetrated by highly manipulative narcissists who live secretly and undetected in our society. Like child molesters seeking prey, gaslighters have a keen eye for spotting vulnerable personality types who are susceptible to their pretend altruism, affection and promises of protection.
Gaslighters achieve complete control by manipulating the environment so their victims identify with an overwhelming and incurable psychological problem, which they never had, or was only a minor affliction. The result of implanting an illness or disorder, and rendering a person helpless over it, is unfathomable distress, insecurity and paranoia. Worst are the feelings of despair and powerlessness.
Descending into an emotional world of hopelessness and isolation, the victim is manipulated into seeking protection and solace from the very person who orchestrated their incapacitation.
Gaslighting is everywhere: secretly lurking behind the locked doors of politicians, clergy members, husbands, wives and even parents. Gaslighters feed off a person, people, or a society that is devoid of hope and full of anxiety. Only with such vulnerable people can the gaslighter play out their enchanting but mercilessly heinous emotional crimes.