The Human Magnet Syndrome - Excerpts - page 11

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CHAPTER 4: WHY WE CONTINUE TO FAIL CHEMISTRY AND MATH
The relationship template is an unconsciously driven blueprint that guides all people, healthy or not, in
their choice of romantic partners. It informs and guides the relational behavior, identification with
roles, and thought and emotional patterns. It also represents the unconscious processes that are
responsible for their well-matched “opposite personality types” and their comfort and ease of their
dance partnership. When these psychological and relational processes are combined, the love-struck
partners believe (and feel) they have finally arrived at a personal and relational sanctuary, where
loneliness and core shame are no longer nipping at their heels.
According to most developmental and psychodynamic oriented mental health professionals, people
tend to duplicate their childhood parent-child experiences in their adult relationships. Suffice to say,
childhood attachment creates an instruction manual for all adult relationships. It is the guide of
conscious and unconscious interpersonal preferences, otherwise known as
relationship instincts
. It
instructs them on the various “rules” for their relationships.
The relationship template unconsciously urges a person to seek a relationship that feels comfortable
and familiar. In psychodynamic terms, the alive but unconsciously buried attachment traumatized child
directs their adult relationship choices, and the feelings thoughts and actions that are experienced
within them. When in the company of a romantic interest with a matched relationship template, a calm
and intuitive feeling of familiarity and safety is instinctively recognized. Ironically for the codependent,
it creates a mistaken assumption that these feelings will translate to the feeling of security. Sadly,
nothing could be further from the truth.
Without a positive attachment experience, both pathological narcissists and codependents will feel
awkward and anxious when in a relationship with a healthy or emotionally balanced person. The
codependent’s relationship template will direct her to be patient, understanding, and sympathetic with
a person who is selfish and self-centered. She will bite her tongue and dismiss negative feelings when
her helpful and sacrificial ways are not reciprocated. The pathological narcissist’s template promotes his
selfish and self-centered take on relationships. It also designs both the role and rules for his dismissive,
controlling and self-aggrandizing ways.
Relational Chemistry
When two romantically interested people have instant feelings of connection and comfort, they are
experiencing relational chemistry. Chemistry is a reflexive and automatic phenomenon, that is
simultaneously and mutually experienced by oppositely compatible people. People often refer to this
reaction as feeling sparks or love at first site. The chemistry provokes a shared emotional experience of
hope, excitement, and anticipation. It is not unusual for these bonded people to throw caution to the
wind and move moderately to rapidly forward into a courtship process. This is when strong sexual
impulses occur, or what I call
the urge to merge.
Chemistry cannot happen without the opposite matching of the codependent and narcissist dancers. It
doesn’t matter if they met through a carefully coordinated and vetted process or by happenstance.
Whether a blind date, Internet dating service or app, or Aunt Yente, the chemistry reaction will
determine if the date ends with a perfunctory handshake and insincere
let’s just be friends
suggestion,
or a mutually dreamy and boundary-less experience that begs to never end.
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