Tag Archives: pathological narcissist

Gaslighting Is Everywhere!

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Gaslighting Is Everywhere!

Gaslighting is a brainwashing strategy perpetrated by highly manipulative narcissists who live secretly and undetected in our society.  Like child molesters seeking prey, gaslighters have a keen eye for spotting vulnerable personality types who are susceptible to their pretend altruism, affection and promises of protection.

Gaslighters achieve complete control by manipulating the environment so their victims identify with an overwhelming and incurable psychological problem, which they never had, or was only a minor affliction.  The result of implanting an illness or disorder, and rendering a person helpless over it, is unfathomable distress, insecurity and paranoia.  Worst are the feelings of despair and powerlessness.

Descending into an emotional world of hopelessness and isolation, the victim is manipulated into seeking protection and solace from the very person who orchestrated their incapacitation.

Gaslighting is everywhere: secretly lurking behind the locked doors of politicians, clergy members, husbands, wives and even parents.  Gaslighters feed off a person, people, or a society that is devoid of hope and full of anxiety.  Only with such vulnerable people can the gaslighter play out their enchanting but mercilessly heinous emotional crimes.

Ross Rosenberg, M.Ed., LCPC, CADC, CSAT
Clinical Care Consultants Owner
Advanced Clinical Trainers Owner
Psychotherapist, Author & Professional Trainer
Author of The Human Magnet Syndrome

Creator of “The Codependency Cure: Recovering from Self-Love Deficit Disorder” seminar (and upcoming book)

                         

Codependency Anorexia: Are You Starving Yourself from Love

Codependency Anorexia:

Are You Starving Yourself from Love?

10 Steps to Vulnerable but Healthy & Safe Love

Sundown in desert.

 After relationship trauma, some people shut down love. Ross Rosenberg outlines 10 steps for finding love that is vulnerable but also healthy and safe.

Codependency Anorexia occurs when a codependent surrenders to their life-long relationship pattern to destructive pathological narcissists. I define codependency as an individual psychopathology that manifests within relationships. The codependent habitually finds themselves in relationships with pathological narcissists, with whom they give the lion’s share of love, respect and care (LRC), while being denied the same. Although they are consistently on the short end of the receiving stick, they stay in the relationship because they are both afraid of being alone and believe that if given enough time, they will be able to change or control the narcissist’s selfishness and entitlement.

Codependency Anorexia occurs when they hit bottom and can no longer bear the pain and the harm meted out to them from their malevolent pathological narcissists. It is paradoxical in a sense, as it occurs during a moment of clarity, when the codependent realizes that they are completely powerless to stop their attraction to lovers who, in the beginning, feel so right, but shortly thereafter, hurt them so badly. In an effort to protect themselves from the long line of “soul mates,” who unexpectedly convert to “cellmates,” they flip their vulnerability switch to “off,” which results in a complete shutdown of their emotional, relational, and sexual machinery.

Although their intention is to avoid getting pummeled again by the next narcissist, they unknowingly insulate themselves from the very human experience of intimate romantic love.

This defense mechanism serves to protect codependents from the cascade of resulting consequences of their debilitating codependent love choices. Although their intention is to avoid getting pummeled again by the next narcissist, they unknowingly insulate themselves from the very human experience of intimate romantic love. By denying their human need to connect and love passionately, they are, in a sense, artificially neutralizing The Human Magnet Syndrome. Or in other words, they are removing themselves from any possibility of close romantic love, healthy or not.

To maintain their codependent anorexia, codependents ultimately have to divorce themselves from their emotional and sexual selves. As a result, they “starve” themselves from the very human need to connect romantically, intimately, and sexually. Such deprivation often leads to long-term mental and relational health problems.

In the codependent anorexic state, the codependent is hypervigilant of any person or situation that would lead to a potentially harmful and dangerous intimate relationship. They often over compensate in social situations to avoid either showing interest in someone else or accidentally reacting to someone else overtures. To that end, they also deprive themselves of everyday social events, in order to not accidentally bump against a vulnerable or threatening situation or person. And if a person or event does threaten the codependency anorexic barrier, a shock of extreme anxiety uncomfortably steer them back onto their self-depriving but safe course.

At the end of the day, they are not hurt by another pathological narcissist. But, they also live their life in a barren desert of loneliness and fear.

The anorexic codependent is unable to recognize that their disconnection or disassociation from their vulnerable relational and sexual self is harmful, if not debilitating. Notwithstanding, they continue the path of intimacy deprivation so that they are able to maintain their distorted and deluded sense of power and control over real and invisible threats. At the end of the day, they are not hurt by another pathological narcissist. But, they also live their life in a barren desert of loneliness and fear.

So what is the codependent anorexic supposed to do? The moment of decision is best summarized in Anaïs Nin’s famous saying, “And the day came when the risk to remain tight in a bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom.” The following is a list of 10 must do’s if one is suffering from Codependency Anorexia.

  1. Get evaluated for Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD), as the mistreatment from pathological narcissists may have caused this disorder.
  2. Get into therapy with a practitioner who is experienced and successful in treating codependency, PTSD, and who understands the Human Magnet Syndrome.
  3. Actively participate in Codependency Anonymous (CODA.org).
  4. Stop or curtail any substance abuse, especially if it is self-medicating in nature.
  5. Start talking about your loneliness and fear of getting hurt with safe friends or family, therapists, and/or recovery group peers.
  6. Expand platonic relationships by subtly and progressively sharing more intimate or personal information about yourself.
  7. Participate in group activities that have no fix-up agenda.
  8. Practice being courageous and vulnerable: disclose to a safe friend that you have Codependency Anorexia.
  9. Practice or rehearse a conversation during which you disclose to a potential romantic interest that you are frightened of getting hurt and need to go very slowly in the relationship.
  10. DO NOT use Internet dating sites, even if you feel ready to do so.

 

anais nin

copyright-symbol-for-web-2 2015, Ross Rosenberg, M.Ed., LCPC, CADC, CSAT

Ross Rosenberg, LCPC, CADC, CSAT

Clinical Care Consultants Owner

Advanced Clinical Trainers Owner

Psychotherapist, Author & Professional Trainer

Author of The Human Magnet Syndrome: Why We Love People Who Hurt Us

                  

Continuum of Self Values (CSV) Personality Type Breakdown / CSV Sheet

Continuum of Self Values Examples / CSV Sheet

From The Human Magnet Syndrome: Why We Love People Who Hurt Us

Ross Rosenberg, M.Ed., LCPC, CADC, CSAT 

COS udated for Narc copy

The following list matches each of the 11 Continuum of Self Values (CSVs) with a general personality description.  These examples are only intended to illustrate the range of general personality possibilities according to the Continuum of Self Theory’s self-orientation concept.

-5 CSV:  A codependent is completely absorbed with the love, respect, and care (LRC) needs of others, while completely ignoring and devaluing their own.  This category of individual is often powerless, unable and/or unwilling to seek LRC from his romantic partner.

-4 CSV:  A person with codependent tendencies.  He is almost always focused on the LRC needs of others while only intermittently seeking to have his own LRC needs reciprocated or fulfilled.  This person is able, albeit unmotivated, fearful and/or inexperienced in seeking LRC from his romantic partner.  He often chooses not to ask others to fulfill his LRC needs, as he doesn’t want to upset others or cause conflict.  If asking for some semblance of LRC from his partner, he does so nervously and with distinct feelings of guilt or neediness.

-3 CSV:  A person who identifies with his caring and giving nature.  He is predominately focused on the LRC needs of others, while often diminishing, delaying or excusing away the fulfillment of his own needs.  This person’s identity and reputation is fused with his helping and caretaking nature.  He is typically in relationships in which there is an imbalance between his partner’s and his own LRC needs – giving much more LRC to his partner than receiving.  This individual is capable of setting boundaries in relationships while also asking for what he needs, however, he tends to feel guilty or needy when setting such boundaries or when asking for help from others.

-2 CSV:  One involved in relationships in which his caretaking identity is valued and appreciated, but not exploited.  He enjoys relationships with others in which he provides ample amounts of LRC, without wanting equal amounts reciprocated.  He is able to ask for what he wants or needs from others, although is slightly uncomfortable doing so.  He is comfortable with a partner who needs more LRC than he is willing to give in return.  He is able to set boundaries and ask for what he needs when the LRC balance goes beyond his comfort level.  He might experience mild feelings of guilt or neediness when asking his partner to meet his own LRC needs.  As much as is possible, he avoids individuals who are narcissistic, exploitative or manipulative.

-1 CSV:  A person with a healthy balance between loving, respecting and caring for self and others.  He typically seeks life experiences and relationships in which he is able to satisfy his own LRC needs.  He tends to participate and appreciate relationships that are based on a reciprocal and mutual distribution of LRC.  Although he derives meaning and happiness when helping and caring for others, he does not tolerate a selfish or self-centered romantic partner.  He often enjoys caring for others, but does not identify himself as a caretaker or helper.  He do not experience guilt or feelings of neediness when asking for LRC from others.

0 CSV:  A person who participates in relationships where there is an equal distribution of LRC given and received.  They easily ask for what they need from their partners, while being open to their partners LRC needs.  With their LRC-balanced relationships, they easily fluctuate between being the recipient and giver of LRC.

+1 CSV:  A person with a healthy balance between loving, respecting and caring for self and others.  They tend to participate and appreciate relationships that are based on a reciprocal and mutual distribution of LRC.  This individual values personal and professional goals and ambitions, which they confidently pursue.  Although they derives meaning and happiness through the pursuit of his own goals and ambitions, he is also cognizant of the necessity to love, respect and care for his romantic partner.  He effortlessly provides LRC to his romantic partner when necessary or requested.  He may identify with both the role of a caretaker or helper while wanting to fulfill his own goals and ambitions.

+2 CSV:  A person who prefers to be involved in relationships in which the pursuit to fulfill his own ambitions, desires and goals is encouraged and supported.  In a romantic relationship, he actively seeks attention, appreciation and affirmation.  Although he is a go-getter and may be consumed with “getting the spotlight,” he is willing and able to fulfill his partner’s needs.  He is neither exploitative nor selfish.  As an individual who is more oriented toward his own LRC needs, he periodically forgets about the inequity of LRC distribution in the relationship.  He responds favorably and non-reactively when his partner asks for higher levels of LRC.  Although he can be comfortable in a caretaking role, he doesn’t maintain it.

+3 CSV:  A mildly selfish and self-centered individual.  He is predominately focused on the LRC needs of self, while often diminishing, delaying or excusing away the fulfillment of his partner’s needs.  This person’s identity and reputation is fused with his need for attention, validation and recognition.  He identifies with the persona of the go-getter and success-driven individual.  He is typically in relationships where there is an imbalance in the distribution of LRC needs, expecting or taking more LRC than giving.  If confronted about the LRC inequality, he may get defensive, but will be able to make corrections.  He can modulate or control his self-centered and seemingly selfish attributes.  Although he may be perceived as self-consumed and self-centered, he is willing and able to love, respect and care for his partner; they just need frequent reminders.

+4 CSV:  A narcissistic individual.  This individual is absorbed and preoccupied with the LRC needs of self, while rarely seeking to fulfill the LRC needs of others.  He comes across as being entitled, self-absorbed and self-centered, as he are driven to seek LRC from others, while giving very minimal amounts of the same in return.  He is comfortable with the LRC disparity, believing his needs are more important than his partner’s.  Although this person is overtly narcissistic, he is still able to give nominal levels of LRC to others.  If confronted about the LRC inequities, he will characteristically get angry and defensive and are quick to justify his actions.  He, however, does not experience a narcissistic injury or exhibit narcissistic rage when confronted.

+5 CSV: An Emotional Manipulator.  Unable and unmotivated to love, respect and care for others.  He is consumed with fulfilling his own LRC needs with no intention of reciprocating.  He has great difficulty in exhibiting empathy, unconditional positive regard or love.  When he does give LRC to others, it is typically conditional, with strings attached.  He is not able to comprehend or accept his pathological levels of narcissism.  When confronted about the LRC imbalances, he will often strike back with either direct or passive aggression.

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Ross Rosenberg, M.Ed., LCPC, CADC, CSAT
3325 N. Arlington Heights Rd., Ste 400B
Arlington Heights, IL  60004

Owner of Clinical Care Consultants and Advanced Clinical Trainers